Pregnancy…I Was Lied To

So when you first heard about women getting pregnant, you hear about the “Pregnant Glow.”  When I heard the words “Pregnancy Glow”, I instantly got this image of Edward Cullen from Twilight stepping into the sun.  So already, before I even am thinking about kids, I have this image that I am going to be 8 months pregnant and look like a model with glistening skin.  So far pregnancy seems AMAZING.  The day I found out I was pregnant with Adam I knew I would be ok.  I am young, fit, and am totally ready for this “glow.”  Pregnancy was going to be a breeze.

FALSE.  My image could not have possibly be more wrong.  Whoever coined the phrase Pregnancy Glow sucks.  He or she is either blind or has a terrible sense of humor.  Do not get me wrong, throughout my three pregnancies I have had my days of looking fabulous.  Face it, someone as gorgeous as I am cannot look terrible all the time.  However, more often than not, my hair looks like I stuck a fork in an electrical outlet, my eyes have bags that sag to my nose, my clothes may or may not match let alone fit, putting on a bra is a luxury, the pregnancy acne looks like it came from a before picture in a Proactive commercial, and the idea of wearing make-up makes me laugh.  So in my expert opinion (three kids makes me an expert I think) the Pregnancy Glow is a fake ideal, created by someone with way too much free time.

The next lack of information I failed to receive was in regards to using the bathroom.  I already knew that pregnant women pee more than a drunk person who just inhaled a case of beer.  However, I was unaware that an intense need to pee could come out of nowhere, causing you to freak out in public because your terrified you would not make the bathroom in time.  Those moments are fabulous.  So fabulous in fact, that after not making it to said bathroom a few times, I have started keeping a spare pair of pants in my car incase of emergency.

What is even better is when you are eight months pregnant and have to run the whole way across the mall. I should not say run, because lets face it, walking is hard enough let alone running.  So lets say, when you very unattractively speed waddle across the mall and finally find the bathroom.  You sit down to go, out of breath and sore because you just waddled five miles feeling as though you are going to pee your pants, to hear that sound.  The sound of all 3 drops of pee.  That huge urge to go was no more than your baby playing jokes on you.  So here you sit, out of breath and exhausted, and ready to cry.   If you are like mike me your most likely thinking to yourself that next time you are just going to pee your pants.  Lets face it you have an excuse, and hormones.  Let someone say something.

The third piece of information poorly described regards heartburn and acid reflux.  If you have been pregnant and not experienced heartburn, I hate you.  I have had the thrill of experiencing it in all three pregnancies.  There is a vast difference between normal heartburn, and heartburn experienced by a pregnant woman.  The first time I experienced it, I was about 30 weeks pregnant with Adam.  It started out as normal mild heartburn.  I figured one tums would do the trick.  Not true.  Within thirty minutes I had heartburn and acid reflux that felt as though it was coursing through my whole body.  What made it worse was that no matter what I tried, it took hours for it to go away.  O and because heartburn only seems to come at bedtime, I have spent more nights during my pregnancy dying in pain then I have peacefully falling asleep.  Removing my stomach and esophagus seems far more comfortable then this particular torture.

For these reasons I have a love/hate relationship with my pregnancies.  I would love to say that after experiencing all these problems through my first pregnancy I was better prepared through my second and third.  However, that would be a lie.  So my only piece of advice is this, realize that pregnancy is not all fun and games.  Actually its rather unenjoyable a lot of the time.  The outcome however, is totally worth all the pain, lack of sleep, and embarrassing moments.